When planting a garden, we put a lot of hours in and have high expectations for what the garden is going to yield. But the truth is, we learn to garden as we go. Even the most expert gardeners learn new things and have occasional failures.
It is the same with life. We put in a lot of effort, have a lot of expectations, and things don’t always go the way we envisioned. Or things do go the way we envisioned, but we realize a little too late that what we thought we wanted…was not what we wanted after all.
We learn from trial and error. Trial and error lessons are some of the most painful, but also the most profound and life changing.
I moved to New York City once, my favorite city in the world with the expectation of having an eclectic, modern girl-about-town life. Turned out my dream city was exhausting, expensive, and lonely. Sure, I could afford to “make it there” if I really wanted to, but after two years I realized that my quality of life would be much better in another place. I could visit the Big Apple when I wanted to spend a weekend absorbing live theatre and jazz.
Another year, while living in the Pacific Northwest I got a spot in a community garden. I grew a ton of carrots. I don’t know why I grew so many rows of carrots, because I only marginally like carrots and mostly in soups or shredded on a salad. But that year, I planted several rows of carrots. And they all grew.
When I first started pulling the long, plump carrots from the ground I was proud and excited – “I did it, what a great crop!” However, as I filled up my kitchen sink and counter with piles of carrots that needed to be washed and then immediately eaten or frozen, I was like “Wait! Why did I grow so many carrots?”
Sometimes we have a trial-and-error life lesson but then keep on plugging away with the same approach. We hope things will eventually get better. Trial-and-error life lessons might be realizing that you made the wrong vocational choice, studied the wrong field, married the wrong person, couldn’t buy your way out of boredom.
I have tried to make relationships work that were clearly miserable, I have taken the wrong job, stayed in the wrong job, moved to the wrong city, stayed in the wrong city (one time for 8 years), and invested my time and money in the wrong things.
Lots of lessons learned. Sometimes life gave me the same lesson multiple times, before I was like “oh yeah, this really isn’t working.” Lately, I started spending more time in reflection and really trying to learn from my trial-and-error lessons.
Helpful Questions for Life Examination
- Is this the outcome I was expecting?
- Am I enjoying this job or hobby?
- Do I get energy from being around this person or do I feel like I just had all my energy sucked out of me?
- Would I do the same thing again?
- Would I recommend this action/thing/person/choice to someone that I love and that I want to be happy?
Asking myself these questions has changed my perspective. I move on from things that are not working much faster. In the past year, I have let go of a toxic friendship, changed where I live (again), recommitted to the people and passions that I care about. Also, this year’s garden does not contain any carrots.
